To new beginnings

Every story has a ending. Today I can say this is the end of an old story, one I have been living for 26 years and a new beginning lies before me. Over the last year my life has gone from bad to good, I have grown as a person and can now stand tall and say I am letting go of it all making way for even better times.

The past will always be there, it never truly goes away but it only affects your future if you let it. I gave chances, chances that were forgotten or thrown away. Then a year and a half ago I took a chance for myself and found that pot of gold everyone searches for, I found myself and so much more.

I had to come to the realisation that a illness does not have to rule your life and bipolar can do that, it was difficult at first and I would be lying if I said it is easy now. Having someone who supports you and loves you for who you are, who takes you for every fault and does not judge you was to me a miracle in itself. For the first time I can say I am happy.

I might have lost one family along the way because of my choice but I gained the love and respect of another. I still miss them, I still hope that one day my own flesh and blood will realise that I am still me, that nothing about me has changed but as of tomorrow I am closing this chapter of my life and looking towards the future. My mom who I am fortunate enough to still have in my life always tells me that you are the captain of your own ship and the direction in which it sails is in your control. There might be rain and storms that comes along but there is no storm that is too rough to handle as long as I have these people by my side. I am honoured and blessed to have them in my life.

So thirty or more years later  I can revisit this post and smile.

 Remember every single detail cause you only get to see it once, some never comes along again. Thank you for I am blessed and I love you forever my angel and will love you till the end of time.

Angel

You made me see

Darkness black turned to light

You made me be

Sands in wind of flight

You gave me you

Golden shield of might

Believe in you

In what you do

Believe in me

and what  you see

Believe in us

Diamonds in the rough

Forever hands of time

set in stone to be mine

Forever glowing shine

a future bonded in a rhyme

Angels voices sing

a new song for dawn to bring

The Game

We all know what drawing a chance card means in a game of monopoly. Behind the card lies a message, one received by being daring and taking it for yourself. Holding it we hope, we hope for a good result, the card that can get us out of jail for free. If only it was that simple, taking a card and hoping that underneath it lies good news always but the truth is even in monopoly not all chances turn out to be good.

Life is full of surprises, as we visit the various train stops and streets around the board we find that upon return two or three times later lies hotels and houses. Round and round we go trying to take as much control as possible of the situation, buying and selling we try and hope once more for something good, something that would win us the day.

A)Jump to the start and collect reward.

B)Do not pass start, do not collect reward, go directly to jail.

A and B suggests possible results of which A is positive and B negative. This is the result of a chance taken, you get that good card and the bad, you never only get one of the above unless you are fortunate or unfortunate enough to.

 It is possible that one might be extra careful in life when rolling that dice when others will simply throw it and see what happens. That is not wrong, it is not a defect, it is simply called playing it safe.

The truth: It's not nice to lose a game.

The other truth: How can you win if you don't play.

If you have been to jail so many times in your life before would you still just throw that dice to see what happens unless you know at the end of all the streets and railway stops lies a new beginning. A win that you can be certain of, a free parking, a pot of gold.

Magic

The word Magic is defined as the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces. We are all curious how certain magic tricks are done whether it is in a game of cards or the famous rabbit in a hat. We were made to want information, to seek knowledge out of something, to try and find out exactly what meaning or relevance it has.

In some stories it is said that we all possess a little magic within ourselves. Some use it to do good and some to do bad. Some people will use the game of cards to trick you like a riddle that was never made to be solved, some will pull out a nasty surprise from that hat and deceive you. How do we tell good magic from bad magic then? How do we stop ourselves from falling for the same magic trick twice or even three times?

I am not sure I can answer my own questions. We are human so in the end we are bound to make mistakes, sometimes more than once and we have to then find the magic within ourselves to pick up the pieces and carry on even if it means falling a few more times along the way.

The thing is magic is meant to be mysterious, it is meant to be secretive and not telling you much about what is going on. So we will not always get the information we seek, knowledge will hide from us and the meaning will be lost somewhere unknown.

 But no magic can be hidden forever so with time I think all will become clear and maybe I just answered the questions I asked myself. All good and bad things come to those who wait...

When the Curtain Falls

A stage production is filled with scenes of laughter, drama, suspense and various emotions. It brings from within feelings we have all experienced at one stage or another and the best of these stays with us for months and years to come. We all play a part in our own production, a story flung together, intertwined by events which sometimes can leave us with a plot, a story in which your character  does not understand what had just happened or why, trying to solve a mystery with no or little clues.

Behind the scenes as said before our mind is trying to make sense of each situation and can sometimes go overboard stretching out the story, transforming characters from good to evil and breaking each segment, dissolving its true meaning and purpose. Soon you question yourself if non fiction is actually fiction and whether your characters are indeed truthful yet you are the one holding the pen writing the script word for word.

The realisation I came up with in my script is to give my characters time to evolve, to allow them to grow before I make changes to the script or alter it's meaning. Not everything is black and white and meant to be understood until the curtain falls. We can't judge them or show that we do not support there intentions just because of where the character came from, each of them is unique and deserves that second chance without a doubt.

As we tell our story we learn, we learn what would happen and how we would feel if the ending came in a specific way but the truth is today and tomorrow there will be no ending not until the fat lady sings, we must be willing to break a few legs and enjoy the show. No tale comes without ups and downs, it's what we do with them that matters.

We all have them

Today was all about this and that, chores and more. Some say it's fun doing the things most people do not want to do but I find it calming, it makes you think about times ahead and times that have long since passed. It gives clarity like clean laundry, the smell of the fabric softener, gone is all the dirt and grime just like in the mind. Fold it up neatly and things start falling into place numerically and alphabetically.

The reality is that clothes does not stay clean, the softener does not last and soon you find yourself back to where you started just thinking, waiting for the calm during the storm. Fear can cripple you, it can make you lose sight of all things positive, thoughts, memories. It can infiltrate through even the toughest of skin leaving the stains of its presence behind, stains that does not easily fade after one wash.

We all have them, no matter how neatly packed away or how good it is folded, at times they linger and stay with us, fears. Chores and more needs work, fears needs work, either you get rid of them or feed them, the scars of times past or times to come. Sometimes we feed them because it is so easy to think way ahead into the future forgetting that life is about living for today and not for what is to come a year down the line.

I guess it is true that the mind is a powerful weapon, it can make you or break you and I look at times in mirrors of shadows and find myself lost waiting for the calm during the storm that is life. We all have a choice but the question is how easy is it to make? How easy is it to forget pain, loss, suffering or do we live with the effects each day painting our own pictures in our minds and based on that build our futures.

We all have them... how easy is it?